This young couple were introduced by the best man who was an estate agent.
First introduced by his best man,
Famed for house valuation.
'Twas beyond the call of duty,
To arrange an assignation.
Mark was hooked by his description,
Of a new hot property.
Let me now recount the details
Of the blurb, as read to me.
“Perfect condition, beautiful view,
Previous owners (one or two!),
Range of attractive features - extensive,
Cost of upkeep - very expensive!”
Yes, fashionable shoes are just her thing.
Indeed they’re quite a passion.
Sue'd suffer corns and bunions,
If it’s in the name of fashion!
To own the world’s designer bags,
Is our Sue's ambition.
But it’s for Louis Vuitton’s baby-bag,
That she’s now on a mission!!
The garage is Mark's sacred place,
Where no-one else may go.
What it is he does in there,
I’ll really never know.
Has it turned into a gym?
Or a place for Bramble's meals?
Or is he just preparing it
For a new Ferrari’s wheels?
Your mates all think that you'll both make,
A brilliant Dad and Mum,
But Mark must not tease Susie,
About her growing tum!
Now, as you start your married life,
Don’t get Susie in a flap!
Before you kiss your darling wife,
Take off that flippin’ cap!
This poem was a gift for the groom and his wife from his brother and sister-in-law.
You’ve been shacked-up together in Atcham,
So no doubt you know what lies in store.
You’ve likely considered the issues,
But we thought we’d remind you of more.
That’s the thing about brothers and in-laws,
Whose affection for you will not drift,
We relentlessly extract the Michael,
Then package it up as a gift!
So, will it be tiffs at breakfast
Rather than “Breakfast at Tiffs”?
Will the duck's feathers be flying
When he says or does something which miffs?
Will the marital home resound daily
With the sound of stressed-out vocal cords?
Or even worse, will Nick resort to
His Ninja or Samurai swords?
Will he be banished for breathing?
Or for grazing all day like a cow?
Or for parping and grunting and growling,
Or talking too much and too loud?!
Will your language continue evolving?
Words with meanings known only to you?
Strange pronouns and odd exclamations,
Smeagle Burger? Poohoi!? Boogaloo?
We’re sure that romance is a feature.
That it’s not always glowers and glares,
You probably felt quite fruity in France
When your fiancee took you “Upstairs”?
Remember what drew you together.
Was it Maria's big, blue Irish eyes?
Did Nick’s hairiness tickle your fancy?
Or was it something to do with his size?
So here’s to your biggest adventure,
May your marriage be blessed with much fun.
And perhaps soon a cousin for Matty?
We don’t mind… just a daughter...or son!
The following Best Man's speech is cruder than most I am asked to do, but completely suited the brief I was given! The title refers to the groom's frequent catch phrase and is his way of expressing his feelings for his new wife!
Well, what can I tell you? What can I say?
I never thought I’d see the day!
Hammy done up in a suit and cravat,
And marrying Julie – the jammy twat!
The Lion at Crawley is where they first met.
Her child-rearing instinct kicked in.
She likes ‘em under 4ft 2”,
So took him under her wing!
She’s got persistence, I’ll give her that,
For putting up with his ways:
Drinking and fighting and getting in scrapes,
8 years is a bloody long phase!
She’ll have to rely on those nannying skills.
It’s only fair to warn her.
When Hammy's behaviour gets out of control,
It’s “INTO THE NAUGHTY CORNER”!
They say that opposites do attract.
He’s into cattle…she’s into cats.
She likes to shop from morning ‘til night,
Which sends him balistic coz he’s so f***in' tight!
He’s Gloucestershire's answer to Del boy.
I remember his best “Trotter” deal.
That pig he had off the old folks,
Then sold for a stash – he’s unreal!
We all know that rugby’s his passion.
He tried, and with Julie he scored,
But will the news of his wedding tackle
Make back pages home and abroad?!
In the years since we met at Young Farmers,
This is the first meal I’ve had on you.
I’ll bloody drink to that alright!
And to you and young Julie – “You’ll do”!
This is an example of a poem read by the bride to her new husband. She wanted to get across just how much he meant to her and her little girl who adored playing with him and dressing him up in fairy clothes!
Friends often used to ask me,
Which blokes I can’t resist.
I used to shrug my shoulders
And say “they don’t exist”.
Then out one night with Katie,
In the Apollo of all places,
Across the crowded room I saw,
The smiliest of faces.
I gave him the once-over.
I grinned; He gave a wink.
I very nearly wet myself,
So, little did I think,
That he’d turn away from Paddy,
And stroll across my way,
But that’s how it all started,
And it's why we’re here today.
For birds he's got a passion;
The feathered type I mean!
He’s out-doorsy and creative,
And not all that obscene!
Already two years down the line,
I’m still his favourite bint,
I still make him say “crikey!”
And I still think he's "mint".
So now when my friends ask me
Which blokes I can’t resist,
I just reel off the following...
Who’s funny, kind and gentle,
And a total carnivore.
When he’s had a few too many,
Has a tendency to snore.
He’s first on any dance floor
And wears pink fairy clothes,
Loves birds and art and nature,
Except spiders…he hates those!”
I speak of course of Gordy,
Who has made our lives complete
My and Freya’s favourite playmate,
The best partner I could meet.
"We love you to the sky and back”,
And want the world to know,
Despite your love of scaly things,
We’ll never let you go!
This customer returned to me to request this poem having had 4 previous poems written for either special birthdays or wedding speeches over the previous 20 years. The groom had many tattoos.
Their story began on Facebook
Bev's "like" button was on fire!
Then they met by chance on a big night out,
In Lichfield, Staffordshire.
Miss Gregg got into a bit of a tiff.
Hero Watkins kept them apart.
But this knight in shining armour,
Was bedecked in body art!
He rode no silver stallion,
Yet he drove her home in style,
In his sleek BM convertible,
...the Ferrari may be a while!
They make the perfect couple,
And have many common features;
Kind-hearted, close to family,
Both animal-loving creatures!
Your Black Country apprenticeship,
Is clear for all to see,
"How bin ya Mam?" you'd say to Mum
Pulling up at "Toys Am We"!
And now installed at G.E.C,
A job you like a lot.
Bev's not daft, she's found the man
Who'll always keep her hot!
I'm sure that now you've tied the knot,
Not everything will alter.
You'll still spit out your vegetables,
Give up smoking - and then falter.
So now, my toast - Please all arise,
And let your glasses clink.
For the pretty girl in wedding gown,
And the bloke in tattoo ink!